Saving Robin Scherbatsky
by Lady Shaye
Summary: A terrible tragedy broke her heart years ago. Now, she's falling apart. Set after Symphony of Illumination, but with no mention of the episode itself.
1. Prologue

Disclaimer: _In a world of those who respect copyright infringements, one author dares to_- Rewind. Okay. I do not own HIMYM. I find it ridiculous that you people think I do. If I owned Barney Stintson and Robin Scherbatsky, you can bet that they would be together by now. But that's just me.

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><p><em>Kids, your aunt Robin has done some pretty weird stuff.<em>

_ Like when she broke up with me. Or got together with Barney. Or…well, the list goes on and on. But there was one thing that Robin did that was pretty damn weird. Once a year, kids, she would go back to Canada. Just for one day. The same day every year: the day after Christmas. She'd go there and be back by morning. She never said what she did there. But in the year of 2011, it was just too much. Me and Lily — we had to know._

"Robin, where are you going?" Lily asked suspiciously.

Robin turned her head and spoke over her shoulder, her back to the gang. "I'm going to go pack. You know, my yearly retreat to Canada? Yeah, can't really get on a plane without a toothbrush or pajamas and a change of clothes. Just in case one of the flights is delayed or something. I'm going in two days, but I just wanna get the packing over with."

"So, uh, what do you do in Canada?" Lily asked, trying to appear casual.

Her eyebrows rose suspiciously. Robin turned back around and said just as casually, as if to spite Lily, "Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"The private kind."

Ted interrupted just before Lily blew her top. "I'm curious, too. We all want to know. Don't we, Barney? Marshall?"

Marshall caught one glance of Lily's puppy dog eyes and gave in. "Yeah, um, of course."

But Barney appeared a little more concerned with something else. "Damn it!" He placed the phone he had been glued to for the last twenty minutes in his pocket. "My building's being fumigated for the weekend."

"What did you do?" Lily asked. She wasn't quite off the topic of Robin yet, but she wanted to know about this too. She wrinkled her nose. "Oh, God, what did you _do_?" She had a million scenarios running through her head. Several were dirty. Because it was Barney.

Everyone else thought of those scenarios too as her implication hit.

"Dude!" Barney exclaimed. "Not me. The people in the apartment next to mine, duh."

Lily looked momentarily relieved. "What did _they_ do?"

Apparently it was extremely wrong. Because even Barney wrinkled his nose. "Guys, you do not want to know."

_That kind of scared us, considering the fact that Barney has done so many terrible things. So we got off that topic._

_Ten Minutes Later_

"So why_ do_ you go to Canada every year?" Ted inquired curiously.

Robin sighed and stirred her scotch around with a spoon. "It's nothing," she attempted, but this failed…just as it had every thirty seconds for the last ten minutes.

"Come on, Robin, don't lie to us," Lily pleaded.

"Yeah," Ted tried to guilt her into it, "I'm gonna be gone for the weekend, off to lecture in Iowa — which is the worst, most horrible idea my dean has come up with ever since I got hired — and I'll wonder about it for the whole weekend and worry and fail at the lecture and get bombarded with vegetables. _Spoiled _vegetables," he added.

"Guys, really, just leave it alone," she tried.

Marshall snickered. "Robin, telling Ted and Lily to leave something alone is like telling Nessie to not exist…it can't happen," he explained, and Robin's cheeks flushed as she bit her lip and tried to ignore Lily and Ted's cries.

"I don't want to tell you guys," Robin finally shouted. "You just wouldn't understand. And it's none of your business!"

She pulled her jacket over her tank top and stood up again to leave.

"Robin, we're your friends," Lily coaxed, "don't get angry, just tell us what's wrong. We're only trying to help you; we don't want you to get mad. Let's just talk this whole thing out and act calmly."

Robin glared at Lily. "Would you quite using that fucking kindergarten teacher voice? It's starting to piss me off. You're prying into something private and I wish you would leave me the hell alone." She swiveled to Ted, whose mouth had dropped open, as had the rest of the group's. "And Ted, it is none of your business either. I don't care if you get pelted with rotten zucchini or frozen carrots, it's not my problem. Now leave me alone!"

There were actual tears in Lily's eyes. "If you want to act that way," Lily shouted, "then maybe you shouldn't be around us right now."

"Maybe I shouldn't!" Robin agreed fiercely, and turned on her heel and left.

Barney had watched this all silently, his eyes flickering back and forth along with Marshall's. He watched Robin walk out, noting how she swiped her hand across her eyes as though she were crying too. He then turned to Ted. Marshall was comforting Lily as her pregnancy brain took over and left her sobbing on his shoulder. "So," Barney asked Ted, "where am I gonna stay this weekend?"

"I don't know," Ted shrugged, seeming angry but struggling to remain calm. "If you wanna stay with us, though, without me there, you might want to calm Robin down. Do you know where she would be?"

They thought about it. Finally, Barney nodded. "I have a good idea."

"Where?" Ted made to stand up.

Barney stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. "I think maybe I should do this. She's not mad at me, after all. Besides, it's my question to ask. You should go home and get packed. I know where to go."

Ted nodded and let Barney leave the booth. He listened to Lily crying on Marshall, and wondered what was wrong with Robin.

_And kids? There was a lot wrong with your aunt Robin._

_ We just didn't know it yet._


	2. Revenge & Star Wars

Disclaimer: Do I really have to add on? Fine. I don't own Barney, Robin, or the whole How I Met Your Mother shebang. *tearfully* Are you happy now? ARE YOU HAPPY? :'(

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><p>She looked exhausted. He could tell that she'd been crying just a little. It had been a while ago, though, probably when she had first arrived and had only just started putting bullets through the target. She flicked her eyes at him and returned to shooting.<p>

"Hey. Whatcha doing?" he asked, meaning to sound casual. He ended up sounding caring and he didn't like it. He didn't do caring for anyone but Robin, and most certainly not in a public place like a shooting range.

"What's it look like?" she replied sarcastically, putting another round through the bull's-eye.

He watched her as she shot again. Her hair had been let down and went down nearly to her shoulders. The hot pink tank top she wore clashed with her leather motorcycle jacket, but the clash somehow fit with her. Her jeans looked faded and had tears in the knees, and her sneakers looked beat up and worn. Regular Robin-wear for a night at the range, but somehow it only made her look even more…"_defeated_"was the only word he could come up with. Her eyes were slightly puffy and just a little bloodshot, probably from a mix of alcohol, crying, and just general stress. Not to mention lack of sleeping. She probably hadn't slept more than a few hours last night, what with her fight with Lily and all. Guilt had a way of keeping Robin up late at night. He knew that from experience, from seeing her pace in front of their bed when they had been together after a fight with Ted or a clash with Lily or just a general fight with the entire group over their relationship. He felt the sting again as he remembered how good they had been together, and put it aside. Robin would come first tonight, not his broken heart.

Robin glanced at him again, surprised that he hadn't spoken. He obliged. Anything to make her feel comfortable. That had always been his policy, even when he hadn't wanted it to be. "Is that Ted's head?" he gestured towards the target.

"Lil's, too."

"Really?" He was surprised. Robin almost always felt guilty after a fight, almost unbearably so. She was rarely angry, especially when she fought with Lily. But then again, it had been quite a while since they'd been together. Perhaps her post-fight emotions had changed over time. He was, after all, no longer there to see her pace — in regret _or_ in anger — at night after a conflict.

She just nodded before firing off another shot. "She had no right prying into my personal life like that."

"Lil's nosy. She likes to know everything. She gotsta know, remember?" he added jokingly, but she didn't respond beyond tightening her lips and continuing with the shooting practice she really didn't need. Though it was really more to blow off steam than to practice, which was obvious if you knew Robin as well as he did. "Look," he continued, and despite his best efforts, his voice slipped into that low, caring voice he rarely used with anyone but an emotionally hurt Robin, "Lily _was_ wrong. And so was Ted. I could help you, you know. If you ever need anybody. I know you don't like having to rely on people for emotional support. I get that. I don't either. But…if you ever need somebody…I'm here, okay? Just — just remember that if you ever need somebody."

Sometime between the time he had lowered his voice to calm her and the time he finished his little emotional speech that he hadn't meant to give, she had lowered her gun, pushed her protective goggles up off her eyes and onto the top of her head, and started crying. Damn. Barney had seen many women cry — he had _made_ many women cry — but he never liked seeing Robin cry. Especially if he caused it.

"Robin? I…I'm sorry? Whatever I said, I'm sorry, I—"

"Just shut up." She didn't say it unkindly, and he got the message. _I'm barely holding myself together now. Do not console or reassure me. If you show me the tiniest amount of comfort, I will break. And I do not want that to happen in front of anyone. Even you. My pride could not handle it._

"Shutting up." He watched her as she swiped at her eyes roughly with the back of her free hand. She looked so sad. "Sad" and "Robin" were not supposed to mix. Robin was full of life. Robin was awesome. Robin was a female version of him. But, then, he was sad. Some part of him, the part that wanted a life with her, had always been sad. Did that mean she'd always been sad, too? God, he hoped not.

"I just…I just don't want to hurt anybody. And every time I turn around," she smiled bitterly, "I always seem to end up hurting somebody. It's like a slap in the face, you know? Knowing that you've hurt someone you love." She studied him for a few seconds. "I felt so bad after our breakup. I know you took it so much harder than I wanted you to. And I just…I just need you to believe that I felt just as bad. I just kept hiding it, and hiding it, and repressing it."

Barney couldn't keep his mouth shut. Regrettably so. "Is that why you were so sad after Don left?"

She paused. "Sort of." She looked at him, and he got it. The conversation was over. Time to get back to the original subject. "I just…I know I shouldn't have said those things to Lily, but she was diving into some topics that I was just wasn't — just am not — ready to deal with. I didn't want to talk about it then, and I doubt I ever will. It just — there's a certain breaking point…isn't there?" she asked, her voice nearly cracking, pausing uncertainly and looking to him (as if _he _knew all the answers).

He could almost see tears in her eyes, but if he brought them up she'd probably kill him. She did have a gun, after all. "Yeah. Yeah, there is," he answered honestly, his bright blue eyes meeting hers, not even needing to add that there was no reason to be ashamed about it. She already knew. He lowered his eyes.

And when she finally cleared her throat and he dared to make eye contact again, he noted with surprise and a degree of relief that any lingering tears were gone from sight. Robin always managed to put her mask into place, even with him. Even when any other sensible, normal person would have broken by then, she held it together, kept it going. But the cracks in her façade were still only_ just_ barely visible, and only to a trained eye such as his.

She cleared her throat and spoke. It was a surprise to hear her voice. Usually, after such tender moments that they were both still uncomfortable with, the conversation either ended with mind-blowing sex or several awkward moments and an even more awkward goodbye. Normally followed by an awkward hello the next day. But Robin broke the pattern.

"Would you like to stay with me tonight?" she asked.

His head shot up as he considered the possibilities of what she meant.

"I don't mean sex," she said quickly, and his heart rate slowed. Almost depressingly so. "Look, your apartment building's closed down for the weekend, and Ted's off lecturing at that big fancy college three or four states away, and you know that if you spend the night with Lily and Marshall that it will somehow come back to haunt you. They'll have sex where you can hear them, or Lily will have Braxton Hicks during dinner, or something like that, and it will just be—"

"Uncomfortable. Got it." He considered it (it had been his purpose in coming here, after all, hadn't it?), looked up at her, and smiled. "I'd like that."

"I just mean, you know, bad movies, maybe a game of laser tag at an inappropriate hour, something like that. We could raid Ted's closet, or stuff it full of dresses and ridiculous high heels. I know this old antique store that I stumbled on that has the most _ridiculous_ old lady clothes, you would not believe…it would be fun," she added brightly. He had a sense that she needed to have some sort of revenge on Ted.

(Another Barney in another universe would have looked at her at that moment and said, "And that is why I love you, Robin Scherbatsky-Stintson," or "I married the perfect woman." But he was not that man, because she was not ready to be that woman. The depressing thought in that was that she might never be ready to be that woman. But he would not give up on that.)

Knowing that she needed this (_and _that it would be fun), he smirked. "Sounds great. What's the address? We'll stop there before we head to the apartment."

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><p>"I cannot believe we're doing this!" Robin giggled. "I mean…Ted's gonna kill us, you know that, right?"<p>

He turned to her, grinning. Both of them were kneeling whilst knee-deep in Ted's clothes. The man had way too much plaid. As a faithful bro, Barney would have to fix that. One of these days, he would replace Ted's crap with suits. Lots of suits. Nice suits. But more important than the prospect of buying Ted new clothes was this: Ted's clothes had been hidden in a cardboard box in Robin's room, under her bed. And his closet was now filled with frilly, ruffled, ancient mothball-y dresses that could only be found in an antique store seventeen blocks away at a quarter to nine on a Friday. "Yeah, who cares?" he asked, and she giggled again before standing up to admire their handiwork.

He joined her and whistled appreciatively. "Nice job. He'll love it, don't you think?"

Robin rolled her eyes and laughed, biting back a smile that she couldn't refuse. "He'll probably have a massive heart attack and we'll end up apologizing to him in the hospital. And Lily and Marshall will die of either laughter or faint disapproval. Probably both."

Barney grinned. "It's so _nice_ to annoy Ted, isn't it?"

"Especially together," she added without thinking, and he caught the look in her eyes as she realized what she'd said. "We're both just so devious," she explained, but he knew. And he knew that she knew that he knew.

But she could go at her own pace.

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><p>"So," Barney asked as they continued watching <em>Star Wars<em> (at Barney's insistence and Robin's neutral agreement), "what are we really here for? Is there something you want to talk about? Something I need to know?"

Damn it, try as he might, they were having _another_ emotional moment. Ah, hell. Might as well get it over with.

Robin seemed startled by the fact that he would interrupt Star Wars, but not surprised that he would bring it up. They'd both known it would happen eventually. "I just am really mad at Lily and Ted right now," she admitted, amazingly without coaxing. "And Marshall will side with Lily no matter what. And you just — hey, you and me, we have a special relationship. We both know that. You get me."

He wanted to press her — she'd said "you and me" and "special relationship" in the same sentence, and was he imagining that hopeful look in her eyes? — but he didn't, seeing the pleading in her eyes. They would tackle this one problem at a time. "Why don't you want them to know what you do in Canada? Why can't you tell them how this relates to your past?"

"Because, I just…it's complicated," she sighed. "I don't think you'd get it."

"Robin, I can't promise to always understand you or your methods. I blame that on Canada. But I promise I will listen. I promise that I won't tell anybody, and that you can count on me. I swear it on my favorite suit. I won't tell. I won't judge."

Robin looked at him as though she were looking into his soul with amazing x-ray vision. If any woman — any_body _— could do it, he admitted, it would be Robin. She seemed to be wondering if he could be trusted. Finally, she gave him a slight, small smile. "Settle back, then, and pause the movie. This might take a while."

So he paused Han Solo and Princess Leia's kiss scene (strange how it weirdly reminded him of them, just a little) and waited for her to trust him with her story.

"It all started before I moved to the US," she began.


	3. Explanations & Coffee Shops

Disclaimer: No, I _still_ do not own HIMYM. If I did, would I honestly be on FF? Is this even a real _question_? Please. I could be using this time improving my writing skills, which need desperate improvement.

A/N: Okay, alert: My tears, yes, actual_ tears_, were shed whilst writing this chapter. I understand if you hate me. Part of me hates myself too.

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><p>"Canada was my first home," Robin explained. "I was born there, I grew up there, and it's still a big part of me. It was the place of my first breath, my first words…my first love."<p>

Barney snickered. "_Please_ tell me we're not still talking about Simon here."

Grinning and smacking him, Robin settled into her spot next to him and lost her smile. "No. Well, he _was_ my first teenage love. But my first real love? No. I was nineteen when that happened."

"What do you mean?"

"Barney, what do you know about my past?"

He shrugged. "You grew up in Canada as a boy. Became a teenage Canadian pop star, a fact I find both awesome and strangely disturbing. Moved here, dated Ted, and became a part of our group. What else is there?"

"How about the part where I got married?"

It took a second for that to sink in. As the implication hit, Barney raised his head and looked straight at her. "Robin Miss-Marriage-Is-Lame Scherbatsky, married? Impossible. You're kidding."

Robin shrugged one shoulder and shook her head. "It wasn't for long."

"You dumped him and broke up." Everything made sense again.

But she ruined it by shaking her head again. "I didn't dump him. He…he left _me_."

"Oh. Why, was he an idiot?"

She laughed. "No. No, Nick was the smartest guy in the world. He was the best. I loved him. Some part of me will always love him, you know? He just…he meant everything to me."

"Robin, I still don't believe you got married."

"Look, I know there are no marriage records in Canada. That was because we got married in Spain. It was his ancestral home, and it meant a lot to him that he got married with his parents there. I agreed because I'd always wanted to see Spain. When you guys found out about Robin Sparkles, Ted asked me a bunch of questions when he thought I'd been married. Where do you think I got all those answers? I spent four months memorizing everything about my wedding because I had to _plan_ my wedding in four months. And I never forgot those plans."

Barney snorted. "Robin, even if you ever got married, you'd do it for life. You'd be absolutely sure. You would not pick a guy sure to dump you."

"He didn't dump me."

"What, then?"

Her eyes shined with tears that had not yet spilled over. Her answer shocked him, rattling him to his core. "He died."

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><p>"He <em>died<em>?"

She laughed a little, bitterly. "Yeah."

"What — how — "

"Can I just tell you the whole story?"

Barney almost reprimanded her, but he could see the pain in her eyes. She still didn't want to talk about this. But he knew her well enough to know that while she didn't want to, maybe she _needed_ to talk about this. There were far stranger things when it came to Robin. Say, she'd been married. Which was about as strange as Robin could get.

"Sure."

Robin took a deep breath. "I met Nick Reyes when I was eighteen. He was originally from Spain but had moved to Canada with his band before they broke up. He just never left. He worked at my regular coffee shop. I was a struggling journalist. I wanted to do serious news. I spent a year writing in a small booth at the corner of the shop. It got to the point where he'd memorized my impossible coffee order. Back then, I was into coffee with long names," she explained, and he nodded, letting her continue. "But anyway, it took him six months to ask me out. He was a die-hard Sparkles fan, too," she told him, making him wonder if she was talking about how men who liked her music ended up being with her or not, "and he was terrified of me at first. I thought it was rather cute, but I like men to make a move, you know? And eventually he did.

"Well, our first few dates were normal, you know? He was nice, he was sweet, and he didn't pressure me. We both knew the risks but back then we were, or I was, willing to take the chance. And we fell in love." She held up her hand. "Wait. Stop. No sarcastic comments, please." He wouldn't have, but he nodded, tight-lipped, anyway. "It wasn't any kind of fairy-tale-romantic-impossible love like that. I can't live up to Ted's standards in past, present, or future, thank you very much. No, but we loved each other.

"I'll never forget the day he proposed to me." Robin's face took on a dreamy look. There was a strange quality to it that made Barney want to make her smile again. "We were at the coffee shop where we first met. I had a feeling he was going to do something _big_, y'know? Just that feeling you get. And I was right. He'd quit the coffee shop three months ago when he got a job as a magazine editor. I don't know, some hunting magazine, he loved hunting. Anyway, so I was suspicious when he went into the kitchen. He came back out with a bottle of wine — which I don't know why they had, it was a coffee shop after all — and two slices of coffee cake. We ate the cake. It was late in the afternoon, almost nobody was there. But he handed me the bottle. 1980." She grinned. "That was our wine year from then on. I reached for it, and my fingers closed around the neck of it — and there was the ring. Hell, it was just there, he's slipped it onto the bottle and it was hanging on the neck. I took it and shoved my coffee cake in his face. We both started laughing. It wasn't conventional in the least. But it was perfect.

"We planned our wedding in four months. His father was dying. I don't remember what killed him; I think he was just old. Anyway, we tried to cram it in as little time as possible. Finally, Nick just told me, the hell with it, let's just get married in Spain. It meant a lot to his family, and he didn't want to fight with them. So I agreed. We got a church near his birth home, and we got married on a Thursday. It was a beautiful ceremony, you know? A normal big wedding. Back then, it was what I wanted because it was what he wanted."

Robin paused as she seemed to remember something. Finally, she cleared her throat and continued. "We'd rented a hotel room for a weekend in Italy for our honeymoon. Venice. It was supposed to be perfect. And the first day or so was wonderful. But then he started getting headaches. He'd always had headaches, ever since I met him. But these were awful. Migraines. They kept getting worse and worse. Until finally, we were getting off a gondola we'd been riding on. It was a warm Sunday morning, and he just collapsed on the dock. I freaked out and took him to a hospital. And what they told me sent us packing straight home to Canada."

Unable to take the suspense anymore, Barney interrupted for the first time. "What was it?"

"Brain cancer. It was metastatic. It originated in his lungs but wasn't diagnosed in time, and it spread to his brain. Oddly enough, it was the brain that caused the problems, even though the lungs had progressed farther." Robin laughed a short, odd little bark of bitterness. "I don't know. There were some medical terms the doctors kept repeating. They kept saying stuff I didn't understand, asking questions I didn't know the answer to. For God's sake, we only dated for six months. We hadn't even been married a week! And he was being stolen from me," she lamented.

"Keep going," Barney urged her. The sooner she got this over with, the better off she'd be.

Robin took another deep breath. "They started him off with radiation therapy and chemo. At first he responded really well. They wanted to do surgery, but he had multiple tumors, so it wasn't possible. The treatments worked well for a few months. We spent most of our married life in a hospital. Eventually, he quit responding. All the progress he'd been making stopped. His body backtracked and he got worse.

"It was over. We both knew it. Nick was dying, and I — " her voice cracked, "was gonna be alone." Her voice broke completely and she paused. "That last night, he made me promise he wouldn't die in a hospital. I kept telling him no. I kept saying that he wasn't going to die. But he made me promise him anyway. So I swore, and the doctors let me take him home. They gave me the proper medical equipment and I took him home. There was nothing more they could do, anyway. There was no miracle cure for him. And _that's_ why I don't believe in miracles," she told him, explaining why she and Marshall disagreed so much over miracles. Her secret reason.

"He got into the apartment I'd been renting but not living in, and he made me promise to get out of Canada, to fulfill my dreams. I'd gotten an offer in America, I told him, and we would take it soon, as soon as he was strong enough to be moved. He just laughed at me, Barney. Laughed. He told me it was hopeless, to stop trying to be Supergirl. Even Supergirl couldn't cure cancer, he said.

"Nicky — " she paused. "He made me promise not to leave him. We got in the bed and just kind of wrapped ourselves in each other's arms, and when I woke up the next morning, he — he was — " she cut herself off. "You know. Gone. He was just gone."

Barney wanted to say something. He wanted to console her, to comfort her, to make her pain go away. _Pain, pain, go away. Please._ But life was no nursery rhyme. He was still practically useless in these situations.

"The funeral was awful. I didn't have any family there with me. My father never approved of Nick, and my mom was out of the country, I don't remember why. Katie was stuck with my dad and couldn't change his mind. So his mom came up to Canada, and _she_ was the one who held me, and _she _was the one who kept it together while I fell apart, and _she _was the one who didn't take offense when I wanted my _own_ mother…because in that moment, I was all alone."

He had a sneaking suspicion. "Robin, when did he die?"

"Sometime on December 26th. The day after Christmas."

The day she always went to Canada. The day she spent remembering him.

"Robin?"

"Yeah?"

He gave her a faint smile which she tried to return. She mostly succeeded. "Maybe we should try to get some sleep. Go to bed, I'll take the couch."

Robin shook her head. "Take Ted's bed. He's gone anyway, not like he'll be missing it."

Barney nodded and smiled. "And, Robin? I'm sorry." He paused, trying to think of how to best console her without breaking down her walls, which she would just resent him for later. "You didn't deserve that."

She just shrugged and continued to look at him as she rose and made her way towards her bedroom. "I'm not sure anyone ever really does. I sat in that hospital and heard other people — wives, husbands, parents, children — crying over their own families. I don't think anybody ever really deserves it. I was just one of those unlucky few chosen to endure it. Goodnight, Barney."

"Night."

When she closed her bedroom door, he waited. Waited to hear her crying. But she didn't, and after ten minutes, he knew she wouldn't. Because Robin was strong. Robin had cried today before he'd joined her at the range and she wouldn't let herself cry now because she was too independent and proud to do that. So, with a sigh, he stood up and went to Ted's bedroom. And he dreamed of Robin, in a black dress and a traditional black veil, crying over a coffin as a Spanish woman put her arm around her.

Barney had often before thought that his life sucked. But his life was a metaphorical meadow full of flowers compared to just those few months of her past. Not to mention her entire life. The sad thing was that Robin was still hurting, and he knew that there was almost nothing he could do about it, because she wouldn't let him in. She wouldn't accept help. He would just have to live with being unable to help her, because it was, so far, what she had chosen and what he had to abide by.

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><p>AN: I almost want to hurt myself. I can't believe I did that to Robin! I'm such a horrible person... :'(


	4. Chinese & Guinevere for Christmas

Disclaimer: Still not owning How I Met Your Mother. Therefore, still depressed.

A/N: If you love Ted, do not read this chapter. I repeat: DO NOT read this chapter. Unless, of course, you have the overwhelming urge to do so. Then I cannot complain. And if you hate me for doing this to Ted, well then, that's okay. I don't like myself for doing this to Ted, either. But somebody had to have his part. It just ended up being him.

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><p><em>The Eriksen Home, 10:52 PM<em>

"Marshall?" Lily asked.

"Yes, Lilypie?" Marshall replied, bent over his own. Work was killing him, but he was managing it.

Lily paused, seeming unsure. "What are we gonna name the baby?"

Surprised by this line of questioning, Marshall shrugged. "I'm not sure. I think it should be a mutual decision, don't you?"

Biting her lip, Lily nodded. "It's just—I don't know," she admitted. "I just want our baby to know that we know he's there, and I can't think of any other way. I want our baby to know we love him."

"Well, how about we sleep on it?" Marshall asked. "We can talk about when we get to Ted and Robin's place tomorrow for lunch. That way, we can get some real input on it."

Lily smiled. "That sounds…really great, Marshall."

He gave her his lopsided smile and put his paperwork away. "I'm mostly done with work tonight. Are you still feeling guilty about Robin? You could always call her."

"I'd…I want to, but I'm afraid she's still mad at me."

"You never know until you try."

Lily hesitated. "Let's—let's wait until she gets back from Canada, okay? She's always calmer when she comes back, and I don't want to risk that she's still mad. Besides, it's Christmas. I don't want to spoil it with another fight."

Well. He was disappointed, but this was Lily. He couldn't fight with her. Marshall shrugged. "Okay, it's your decision."

"Thank you, honey."

He hugged Lily, bringing her to his chest. "She'll forgive you, honey. She always does."

Lily shrugged but burrowed herself further into Marshall's warmth. She missed Robin. She just had to hope that Robin would forgive her, and then she would worry about forgiving herself later.

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><p><em>Ted and Robin's Apartment, 9:48 AM<em>

His first thought was that he had overslept. That led to his cry of, "Oh, shit!" and his frantic struggle to find a suit. It took him ten minutes to realize that it was Christmas, and he had the day off. Not to mention, he was in Ted's room, which meant the closet was full of antique dresses and heels, _not_ his lovely suits.

Then he remembered last night. _Robin. Nick. Husband. Dead. Brain. Cancer. Could have helped her. Should have helped her. Should have guessed._ _Should have known. Robin. Sleeping. Don't disturb._

It was a good plan, letting Robin sleep in. It was Christmas, after all, and even though she was fighting with two of their best friends, he knew all three of them could slap smiles on and pretend to be happy with each other for the day. Lily would probably start crying by the end of it, but they would cross that bridge when they came to it. They could blame it on pregnancy brain, and eventually settle back into normal life—probably without even apologizing. And Robin would keep going without telling anyone that she'd been married.

Okay, maybe it wasn't the _best_ plan, but it was probably what was going to happen.

Then he heard the door slam. Oh, shit, Ted. Ted's lecture had probably been really early this morning, and after all that time on a plane, he would be grumpy and angry. Shit. Barney had to do something. Great.

He launched himself out of Ted's bedroom, finding Ted coming through the apartment door, his expression angry and annoyed. He had to think fast. "Ted, my man! Just the man I was looking for!" he said excitedly. "I, um, I wanted to give you your Christmas present!" He dug through his pockets and brought out a stack of hundred dollar bills and a piece of crumpled paper.

"Barney," Ted said, looking surprised as Barney shoved the money and paper at him, "Barney, is this…is this two thousand dollars?"

"Yeah, sure," Barney said dismissively. "But more important is that piece of paper right there. That piece of paper, my friend, is the cell phone number of a Victoria's Secret model I met last week at the Lusty Leopard. I suggest you give her a call. She never got my name; she probably won't even remember me. So she'll settle for you."

Ted raised an eyebrow. "Um…thanks, I guess? Do I even want to know why this is in your boxer pockets? Know what, never mind. Merry Christmas. I have your present somewhere under the tree…where's Robin?"

"Sleeping. She had a rough night, Ted, cut her some slack, okay?"

The dark-haired architecture teacher bit his lip. "_I _had a rough night, okay, Barney? Let's have that understood. _I _had a rough night. I got up at four o'clock in the morning because apparently that was the only time that I could dumb down my lecture for those Iowan people. I got about three hours of sleep and tried to catch up on it on the plane. Somehow I am still jetlagged and ready to tear out somebody's throat. So let's get that straight, 'kay? Robin is getting no slack unless she apologizes."

"Please, Ted? She doesn't need this."

"Neither did I. Go wake her up. It's almost ten and it's Christmas. She should be awake. Lil and Marshall will be here in less than half an hour. They're having lunch with us and then we're doing presents."

Barney hesitated. "Okay."

"Good. I'm gonna go get dressed."

It took him several seconds to remember the closet joke. And that was exactly when Ted had probably opened his closets, because the next thing Barney heard was him yelling. "Robin! Barney! What the _hell_ did you do with my clothes?"

He couldn't hide his snicker, so he disappeared into Robin's room.

She looked peaceful. Her eyes were no longer swollen or red, and her hair was all across the pillow. He reached over and shook her shoulder quickly. "Robin, wake up. Merry Christmas. Come on, Ted's getting mad."

Robin opened her eyes blearily and he nearly melted. She looked…damn…she looked adorable. He nearly gagged. Just thinking the word still made him want to vomit…but she looked adorable. She really did. Robin nodded at him, showing that she understood what he'd said, and got out of bed, disappearing into the bathroom with clothes she'd probably picked out last night to avoid having to do so this morning.

"Merry Christmas," she called from the bathroom.

"Mhm, Merry Christmas," Barney replied, noting that he was still in his boxers. Damn. Yet another time Robin had seen him in his boxers. Just great. He'd have to change into his suit from last night. Good thing he'd thought to put it in the laundry machine that Ted had insisted on buying months ago. It should be dry.

When she came out of the bathroom, he was dressed and immaculate, ready to go. And she looked beautiful, he thought, in jeans and a ponytail and a white buttoned blouse that showed off enough cleavage that he was sure his heartbeat was irregular. Funny how that seemed to happen more often than not when he was with Robin. His heart rate was going to shoot through the roof if he kept this up—but he couldn't help it, Robin just kept surprising him.

"You look great," he offered up, and she ducked her head, blushing.

"Uh, thanks." She looked him up and down. "You, um, you do, too." Was he imagining it, or was she blushing harder?

But when she straightened, her face was normal and he was sure he must've imagined it.

"Ted's gonna be really mad," he warned her. "He kinda knows about the closet now, and I don't think he's gonna be particularly happy."

It was more than that. When they got to the living room, he was seething. "_Robin. Barney. What the hell did you do with my clothes?_" He was still in the rumpled suit he must've been wearing for hours, and Barney felt the sting of pity before he covered it up with a grin and his witty reply.

"We figured our choice of clothing suited you better. Didn't we agree he looked better in four-inch heels and gaudy gowns, Robin?"

Robin giggled and nodded a little, but then put on her apologetic face. "Sorry, Ted."

Ted did not seem appeased by the apology. "Where are my clothes?"

"Under my bed. I'll go get them now." She turned and disappeared into her room.

"She really needed this, Ted," Barney tried to explain.

"No, I didn't," Robin interrupted. She'd been faster than he thought she would be. "It was my idea, Ted, and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. You didn't need this. You're stressed, and it's Christmas, and we're already fighting—" Her lip wobbled but she wasn't crying. Good.

The architecture instructor worked his jaw and glared at her. "Damn right I didn't. Jesus, Robin, are you such a mess that you have to mess with other people's plans, too?"

"Ted, uncalled for," Barney said for her.

"No, seriously," Ted said, "I just noticed this. Are you that much of a mess? I mean, it's supposed to be _Christmas_time, not _Robin_time. Get that through your head. We don't center around you and your messed up love life. I don't care what SOB broke up with you, it's not my concern and it's definitely not my problem that you have a problem with commitment. You need to accept that some guys want commitment and can't pretend to have a relationship with someone who doesn't want that."

Robin bit her lip, seeming to fight off tears, and nodded grimly. "Got it, Ted."

"And why are you so incapable of love?" Ted asked rhetorically. "I'll tell you why. It's because you _always_ choose something else over romance. You choose your job every time, or your chances of success. And the one time I saw you choose love over work, he broke your heart. So I can blame Don for some of this, I guess. I mean, he just further affirmed the idea you'd come up with that people break your heart, huh? Now where would you get an idea like that?"

She was crying now. "None of your fucking business, Ted."

Lily and Marshall burst through the door. "Hey, guys!" Marshall exclaimed, but Ted was too far into it.

"Of course it's my fucking business!" Ted shouted. "I spent an entire year falling in love with you, and we broke up because we wanted different things. And I want to know _why_ you didn't want what I wanted, or what all of your other boyfriends wanted, Robin. I want to know _why_ you can't love anybody without getting scared and running away. Because then you resort to these childish pranks and it pisses…me…_off_!"

Barney put his arm around Robin's shoulder; the latter was wiping her tears away but they kept coming. "Dude, lay off. I don't know if you've been drinking or what, but this crosses the line, okay?" Barney said sharply, his harsh and angry tone clashing with the easygoing words he'd been meaning to use to break it up.

"No. No. I want to know!"

"Well, it doesn't affect you, okay?" Robin said quietly. "It doesn't matter at all! Not to you, okay? But it means practically _everything _to me! Now leave me alone!" She turned and blindly ran past Lily and Marshall, out of the apartment.

Breathing deeply to control his anger, Barney turned toward Ted. "Okay, Ted, just get over yourself. You can spend Christmas with Lily and Marshall, but I'm gonna go make sure that she's okay. And leave her alone, okay? You don't know what she's been through. I doubt you ever will."

With that, the suit-loving womanizer went past the shocked, silent married couple and followed Robin out. They could hear the exact second that he broke out into a run.

"So." Ted put his hands together, looking faintly guilty and embarrassed. "Lunch, anybody?"

* * *

><p><em>Ted and Robin's Apartment, 11:23 AM<em>

"What can I say, Lily?" Marshall asked. "What do you want me to say to him?"

Ted had gone into the kitchen to start working on the roast they'd been keeping in the fridge for a few days. "Tell him he needs to apologize," Lily insisted.

"So do you," Marshall pointed out, and after that, Lily kept silent.

Ted returned a few moments later and promised the roast would be ready soon. When he came back with the roast a while later, he found the Eriksens arguing.

"_Nestor_?" Lily asked. "Why the hell would I name my unborn child _Nestor_?"

Marshall chuckled, seeming unaware that they were arguing. "Because Nessie is a _girl's _name, silly Lily, and we're having a baby _boy_," he pointed out, seeming satisfied with his logic. "Get your names straight, Lil!"

"I refuse to name _any_ child of _mine_ named after a _mythical creature!_"

Marshall Eriksen gasped. "_Lily! And here I thought I married the PERFECT WOMAN_!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I _am_ the perfect woman! I am being a good mother by giving this child a good name!"

"Well, you already vetoed Han and Lando, and Ted's got dibs on Luke and Leia, so what are we supposed to name our child _now_?"

Lily tsked. "How about a _normal_ name?" she asked sarcastically.

"Nestor is a normal name! So is Han! And Lando!"

"Do you know a single person with any of those names that is not based off of a supernatural creature or from the Star Wars franchise?"

"Yes! There was a Nestor is my law school!"

"Poor guy. But I am not naming a baby after one of your lawyer friends!"

"He was not my friend! How dare you, Lily! He beat me in one of the class mock trials and we hated each other after that!"

Lily took a deep breath. "Then why would I name my baby after my husband's enemy?"

"Because he had a cool name!"

* * *

><p><em>The Apartment Building, 1<em>_st__ Floor, Elevator_

"I'm sorry," Barney said quietly. He'd found Robin in the elevator, crying, and they'd ridden together without a word. "Wanna spend Christmas at my place? I can't promise there won't be any women there, but you could be my pretend girlfriend and chase her out and then we could have Christmas at my place. Besides, I left my present for you there."

Robin gave him a small smile. "I'd like that."

* * *

><p><em>Barney's Apartment, 11:56 AM<em>

"Thank God they finished fumigating late last night. Sorry it took so long for us to get here," Barney told her. "Cab drivers suck on Christmas. So many of them want Christmas break, the bastards."

Robin smiled at the joke. "Yeah, well, Christmas with the family…it's appealing to anybody."

"Why do you go the day after Christmas?" Barney asked her.

She shrugged. "It was the day he died," she said, not needing an explanation from him about the random question. "I feel like I'm honoring his memory. Maybe I should go on his birthday instead, or our anniversary or something, but I always end up busy on those days. June wedding, you know, and my summers are full of broadcasts and the planes are always booked. He had a November birthday, and our first 'I love you' was on an October day, and he proposed in February, but I always end up busy then for various reasons. So, the day after Christmas is easiest. Amazingly so, but still the easiest."

Barney nodded silently. They spent a few moments in total silence. He then said, "I'm sorry about Ted."

Robin nodded but chose to remain quiet, knowing that if she spoke, the tears would come again.

"He was an asshole. I should have hit him. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Oh, damn. The tears came. She wiped one away furiously. She would not cry in front of Barney again. Not now. Not so soon. Not when he was so close. "It was his fault. He was the one being a pompous ass, and this'll blow over soon, I hope."

"It will. He'll apologize and start crying, and you'll forgive him because you feel sorry for him because his love life _sucks_, and things will be all happy again." His mouth tightened and she noticed the bitter tone in his voice.

"What do you mean?"

He spent a long time thinking before he spoke again, and she studied him. He looked tired, but mostly he looked concerned. For her. Of course, she couldn't blame him. She'd told him about her miserable past and no matter how much he denied it, Barney had a soft side to him. She'd seen it when he brought Lily back from San Francisco, and when he'd gotten hit by a bus to see Ted after a minor (emphasis on _minor_) taxi accident. She'd seen it when they'd been together and he'd stayed up nights looking at her and listening to her breathe, thinking she was asleep when she really wasn't. And she was seeing it now.

"Ted is an easy person to understand," he said finally. "He wants the whole shebang. Marriage, kids, suburb life. And he's jealous of you. Because you can get by without it and feel fine. But he wants it so badly that sometimes he forgets who his friends are and who his enemies are. And I'm not defending him," he said as she prepared to interrupt, "just stating the facts. That's who Ted is. And you _should_ be mad at him, and he _should _apologize to you. Because he doesn't get you. He doesn't know _why_ you don't want it."

"When you have something, and you lose it and it hurts that much, it convinces you not to want it anymore," Robin said, trying more to convince herself than him. Nick's death _had_ put her off marriage. _Hadn't it_?The small voice in the back of her head tended to disagree. She let out a sigh and took in a deep breath. She wouldn't change her mind. She didn't want marriage. Didn't she?

"Unless you meet the right person, maybe," Barney said, and she leaned in close, as though to kiss him. Instead, she took his hand.

_I don't want marriage. I don't want marriage. I don't want marriage..._ It was like a mantra she kept repeating. If she said it enough, it would be true. If she kept breathing deeply and repeating the mantra, she could believe it. Unless she looked in Barney's eyes...unless she kissed him...

Her voice sounded very small. "Can we—could we maybe watch a cheesy Christmas movie on your crazy-big, crazy-bright TV and order in Chinese or pizza or something?"

He wanted to comfort her. He wanted to hold her. That scared him a little for a moment. Because he was Barney. But then it made sense. Because she was Robin. And he would do anything for her. He would take her into his home while she had a boyfriend. He would listen to her past and let her let him in. And he would love her in silence. He would let his heart break for her because hers was already broken. He needed to fix hers before he even attempted to fix his. There was still a chance she would say no. But if he fixed her...maybe.

"Sure. I have a Chinese place on speed dial. You pick the movie."

Robin smiled. It was a start.

* * *

><p><em>Barney's Apartment, 1:45 PM<em>

"Hey, Barney?" Robin asked quietly as they continued watching _Excalibur _and finished the Chinese he'd ordered. She still had a thing for the eighties, and that included the movies.

"What is it?" he asked. He was a little distracted as Guinevere kissed Lancelot. Lately, he couldn't sit through a romance movie without thinking of Robin.

They were sitting there on his couch, and her head was on his shoulder. And it felt so right. But she pushed that thought away. She couldn't think of this now. There were other things that had to come first. "Barney, would you consider doing something for me?"

He'd already done so much, she thought. It'd be okay if he said no. But she knew that secretly she would be devastated.

"Of course," was his instantaneous reply. His attention was fully on her now. He knew she wouldn't have asked if it wasn't important.

She felt safer, happier, now, but she knew that he might change his mind. "Do you…would you consider going with me tomorrow? I want…I want him to meet you. I'll pay for your ticket and everything, I just—" She didn't know how to describe this overwhelming urge to bring Barney to Nick. Maybe so she could end one part of her life and start another. She pretended to put Nick away in her mind for years, but she knew that if she brought Barney, it would really happen. She was so busy thinking this and wondering about it that she nearly missed his response.

At first, Barney was terrified. He loved Robin. Sure. He wanted a life with her. Okay. Fine. But going to go see the grave of her dead husband the day after Christmas? Um…

Then he saw the needing look in her eyes, the desperation, the wanting she held in her eyes to have him there with her. And then, his response was immediate. He could not leave Robin hanging anymore.

"Of course."


End file.
